Angry Bird

Unfortunately, my childhood upbringing exposed me to unhealthy behavior on how I deal with anger.

I witnessed anger when it was out of control. I learned to think of anger as something that is destructive and terrifying. I am afraid of my own anger at times and I don’t know how to express my feelings when I am angry.

Sometimes these feelings might surface at another unconnected time, this makes it harder for me to process.

This admission, helps me realize that I know, I have an issue with anger and I’m willing to acknowledge it, which is the first step to healing.

Past experiences or a particular situation such as abuse, trauma or bullying can trigger anger because at the time, I was unable to express it.

I am hoping that by making myself aware of this behavior, it will help me find ways to handle my anger in a much healthier way.

Awareness, breathing and meditation techniques have all helped me control my anger. I know that if I take a moment to concentrate on my breathing and not my anger I will redirect my focus.

Meditation truly, changed my life. It reduces stress, controls anxiety, promotes emotional health and enhances self-awareness. I encourage everyone to meditate.

initiate22772

I am initiate22772. I am a Lightworker, an ‘old soul’. I am a Healer by nature. I was unaware of my being, my gifts and my talents, until recently. I have always known there was something very special about me. I just couldn’t put my finger on it, until I saw the world, lived life a little, and came into my truth. I have awakened now. I have just placed my foot at the start of my soul path and I’m about to take the first step. I feel like I have been reborn. I ready to begin my new journey.

I have always had a burning desire for being in service. I want to live a life of passion and purpose and have my life mean something at a spiritual level. I care about causes that stir my heart and shake my core. I believe, the world would be more peaceful and loving if human beings lived less fearful.

I have always been sensitive, compassionate and highly intuitive. I believe it is a part of my divine destiny to ‘rock the boat’. I am meant to be a loving agent for change. I want to bring in a new belief system that is based in love rather than fear.

In finding myself, I discovered that love is the highest vibration. Love creates powerful healing change. People who live in a fear based belief system, such as the reality that we live in today, have difficulty trusting in the process of change.

As a Lightworker, I have always felt it was my duty to take care of others needs before my own. This feeling was second nature to me. One of the most challenging things about being a Lightworker has been in my own healing journey. I had to learn how to identify my own needs and take care of them, this is a work in progress. I also, needed to learn how to balance the art of giving and receiving. Once I master these things, only then, will I be ‘allowed’ by the Universe to fully step in the role of Healer for others.

I had a misconception about being a Lightworker. Lightworkers often attract people who open up and tell them all their problems. This could be anywhere and not necessarily in a Therapist’s office. People sense our goodness and lack of judgement and respond to it. On the flip side, I had to learn that as long as I maintain my personal boundaries like, taking care of my own needs, this will allow me to have enough energy to help others.

I experienced a valuable and necessary lesson as a Lightworker on feeling ‘dumped on’. This is when a person offloads their negativity or takes advantage of your good nature. I had a co-worker, who always wanted to share her personal business with me. There were times I dread going to work, I felt like a magnet to her, she would offload her personal business onto me. I started to feel her issues as if they were my own. I started to become drained, felt used and depressed. I began to see patterns and morality issues in question as if this was something that I needed to hear. This was a Test, and although it was a challenge, I believe, I passed.

What I learned in this situation, was this was not acceptable. I need to practice saying no to these sorts of interactions. It is OK to say NO. I should have said to this young lady, ‘I love you, but this is not respectful to me, and it’s not good for you to indulge in such unhealthy behavior’. I had to learn that when I speak this, I am saying no to the ego and yes to the higher self of everybody involved. It was draining at the time, but I fully appreciate the lesson.

As I continue to blossom in my role as Lightworker, I have come to love earth and know that I AM means to be here for a higher spiritual calling. I have not only found my divine purpose, but I finally feel a joyful and loving sense of belonging to this earth.

I was inspired to blog about this today because I am different. I am coming to finally accept that. As a Lightworker, I have a different belief system then most people, so much so, I’d question, whether I really belong here or not. One year and six months ago, I could not comprehend what was going on with me at the time, since then, time and has brought me clarity and overstanding.

I time travel..

On Friday November 1, 2019 I had a bizarre experience that I would like to share. It had been a long day for me. I was off on Friday, my business partners and I, were preparing for our non-profit S.P.A.Z.D.O.W.N’s second fundraiser event. I got home late, that night. We had been working diligently blowing up balloons, assembling games and wrapping gift packages. Yoyo brought a couple of bottles of wine. We drank, worked and jammed out while listening to music. Around 9 O’clock, I went home because we had an early start. I was stupid tired. I made it home and went to bed.

I woke up about 4 AM and realized I was wet. I came out of my sleep groggy. I was very troubled by this because it was uncharacteristic of me to pee on myself in my sleep. When I realized that I peed. I sat up in the bed and said to my husband, “I peed on myself”. He said yeah, and you were doing some crazy shit in your sleep too. I cleaned up and went back to bed.

The next morning, I brought it up again. My husband said, he would tell me about it later. At the time, we were focused on getting ready to attend the fundraising event. He said, I have to act it out. Now, I am even more disturbed. When the event was over and we got home and unwound. My husband got in the bed and mimicked what I did in my sleep. He says I was doing some sort of gesture with my hands curled and arms bent, as if I was having a seizure. He then says I was groaning…. the little girl, the little girl, she is being stabbed, as if I was witnessing something terrifying. He then says, I sat straight up groaning and pointing and saying that I saw the little girl die, apparently just before the girl died I had given her a necklace. I was speaking clear enough in this dream that he could understand what I was saying. In the past, when I speak in my dreams, he usually cannot make out what I am saying. It sounds like gibberish. What’s odd is, I do not remember any of this. I don’t know what girl he speaks of? I don’t know what necklace I gave to this girl or why I was giving her a necklace. He was convinced that I was somewhere in another dimension or place that I was having this real time experience. He described it as though, I was GONE!

That is what scares me. Where the hell was I? What did I see? Who is this girl? How do I know her? What does this have to do with who I am now? This dream, along with many others that I experience is so intense. It feels so real. I would describe this dream as being VERY VIVID. What is it to Dream? What happens when we dream? Where do we go? Does everyone have the same experiences of intensity when we dream? Do we go to another dimension when we dream? How do we get there? I have woken sore from dreams. Just last week, I woke up with a black and blue mark on my right fore arm. I couldn’t remember hitting my arm to cause that. I couldn’t remember going to bed with the mark on my arm. I remember being surmised in the morning when I first saw it and being baffled.

Starting with this experience, I am going to try and document my dreams as best I can. Between the physical things I notice with my body and what my husband witnesses as I sleep. Perhaps by documenting, I can observe a trend emerge or I can better understand my dreams.

French Braids

Forty-seven years on this planet and this age has been the most exciting age, of my entire life. I have gone through enlightenment, I have awakened and now I am ready to walk my soul path. I have discovered so many awesome things about myself, that I never thought I knew. I have tried new experiences and have grown through each one.

I remember my adopted mom always encouraged me to find my biological mother. She described my mother as young, tall, dark skin with an afro. She told me, her name was Beth Green. My mom also said, that my biological mother has a sister who was a Secretary in Manhattan, New York. So, my entire life, these very few details, were all I ever knew of her. Well, rewind 15 years later and I still, never met her. I attempted, but was unsuccessful. I just gave up and thought that if it was meant to be, it would be.

It was the weekend of Friday April 12, 2019, my “Fro Friday”. Every 2 weeks, I take my hair down from the crochet style I wear. I wash, condition, massage the scalp and just let my hair breathe. Saturday morning I braided 2 plats in the form of French braids and out the door we went. When we got to the car, I saw my reflection of my French braids in the window. I remember saying to my husband, you didn’t remind me to put on my hat. I was too lazy to go back inside, so we proceeded to head to the store.

We ended up at Target. We were shopping for a watch for my Dad. While we were in Target, I noticed, a woman wearing a black headwrap and a front gold framed tooth. When we got to check out, she approached me and asked me if I knew a Betsy Green, she has 3 children Kizzy, Tawahna and Crystal? As she is telling me this information, I know for a fact, this woman is my mother. I listened to the names of her daughters and I knew they had to be my sisters. I know that Keisha derives from the name Keziah in the bible Keisha was the daughter of JOB who danced. Kizzy is short for Keisha and my middle name is Tawana. My sisters name is Tawahna. Even Crystal, I have a name connection with her in that I had a Uncle, who could not pronounce my name but he used to call me Crystal and I would answer. LOL.

I told her, that I get that a lot. Every since I relocated to the Triangle, people claim, I look like a woman here in North Carolina. I always shrugged it off. I was told my biological mother relocated to North Carolina, way before I relocated to North Carolina in 1994. I also shared with her, that I was adopted. I told her, that I was told, that my birth mother’s name was Beth Green. We both thought, hmmm, OK, not knowing where else to go with the conversation, we all proceeded about our way and checked out. I told my husband what happened. He got excited at the possibility. He asked me if I asked the lady questions. In the parking lot, I wrote my maiden name and cell phone number on a piece of paper. My husband ran after the lady in the black turban and gold tooth. My husband quickly introduced himself and told her, Ma’am, Please, my wife of 24 years has been looking for her mother in the State of New York for years and she has not been able to get any information. He asked if he could give her my name and number so that she could pass it along to Betsy. When my husband mentioned the state of New York. The Lady in the black turban, stated that Betsy’s sister still lives in New York. That information gave me chills. Could this woman be my biological mother?

At this point, my husband and I are like 2 kids on Christmas Day. We are excited and giddy. We go home and I sit in amazement. I begin to cry, I’m like what if Betsy Green is my biological mother? This would mean so much to me. This is an opportunity of a lifetime, to meet my natural mother. I jump on my laptop. I pull up Betsy Green. There are a few. One Betsy Green that stood out to me right away, is the 60 year old Betsy Green with 3 daughters. The daughters names are Kizzy, Tawahna and Crystal. I see this and I about fall out of my chair. When I look at these names. I see, my name. Keisha/Kizzy Tawanna/Tawahna.

It would be so exciting if this Betsy Green turned out to be my biological mother. Words cannot describe how that would make me feel. I would be so grateful because, this may give the both of us an opportunity to heal from the years of us being separated. I want to thank her and let her know, that I am OK and I turned out very well. I am OK, if she does not want to have a relationship, but I would like to thank you her and let her know that I hope all is well with her and I turned out blessed beyond recognition with the Walker’s.

Leveled Up

It is a new day. A new me is born. I am ready for the next phase of my life. I am trying to let confidence in my new self emerge. I am very curious about the new me. I don’t expect to react to the same reactions or experiences that I encountered in the past.

This is a time for celebration and acknowledgment that a new day has come. I am so grateful. I am on a new journey. A journey I have always dreamed of. I am grateful that I will be able to enjoy the divine harvest of all my growth and effort.

I wish to manifest unconditional love for all, kindness, empathy, healing and positive energy for all of humanity. I want to live my life happy and healthy and be a positive example for others to see and want to emulate.

First Time Teaching

Today, was an Amazing day. It was Friday, the rain washed the pollen out the trees, my boss let me off ,one hour early, and I taught a class on Anger and Stress Management. I can’t forget to shout out Miss. Joann, who prepared a lovely dinner for us, after class. The students and I planted Cayenne Peppers, Sage, Yellow Peppers, Peppermint, Tomatoes and Cucumbers. Surprisingly, my first experience teaching, I wasn’t nervous to stand in front of the students, I was nervous to present the content and keep my students engaged. It went well, I think we both enjoyed it.

S.P.A Z.D.O.W.N Non-profit Organization founded by Mrs. J. Kearney. Thank you for the opportunity.
Fruits and Veggies we planted.

My Own Worst Enemy

If you listen, I will vent.  Thank you.

It was me, all along.  Why did I criticize myself all the time?  Why did I mistreat myself and allow others to mistreat me?  Of all the people you have ever met, whether they treated you good or bad, you have treated yourself the worst. Why?  Haven’t you been through enough?  Why do you feel, less deserving than others?

I say being adopted never bothered me, but deep down inside, it really messed me up psychologically.  I never wanted to admit it.  I had this complex that I wasn’t wanted.  I felt like a mistake.  My own mother didn’t want me.  That is why I ended up in adoption. She didn’t love me, I wasn’t good enough.  This thought process, stuck me with my entire life.  It never dawned on me that life, just happened.  I am sure she tried to be a good mother.  She meant well, but the situation was too much for her, so she did the best thing, she knew to do.

As an adult, I can appreciate that now but, I did not, growing up.  The story with biological father was, his parents didn’t approve, they were religious people.  They had big dreams for their son, and there is no way he fathered that child, type of thing.  The he goes into the military, marries and starts a family.  His wife does not know of me and he wanted to keep it that way.  He approved the adoption.  My biological mother was orphaned at the age of 5.  Her mother died of lung cancer and her father was an alcoholic, who lived in a halfway house.  She and I came from New York Foundling Hospital which was orginally and still was an orphanage.  There was an older sister and an autistic brother.  I wonder where and how they all are?  Well, may they all be blessed.  I send love & light if they remain living and may they rest in peace, if they have crossed over.  That is all I can say, about that.   I forgive the biological parents and I am ready to move on and continue to heal.

The entire pregnancy experience I had with my son, opened my heart.  I fell in love.  My son saved my life.  He came here to heal me.  I love him, unconditionally.  What a mother would sacarafice for her child.  When she heard I ended up with a family on Long Island, I am sure, she felt that they could provide me with a better life, than she could.  I lsee it differently now.  I am grateful for receiving this growth and healing.  I say to all the adopted kids in the world, you are loved and you are here for a purpose too.  I send love & light to all the adopted and foster children all around the globe.  There is reason why you are here.  You are not a mistake.  Find your purpose, walk your walk and speak your truth.  #kissitbetter