My Own Worst Enemy

If you listen, I will vent.  Thank you.

It was me, all along.  Why did I criticize myself all the time?  Why did I mistreat myself and allow others to mistreat me?  Of all the people you have ever met, whether they treated you good or bad, you have treated yourself the worst. Why?  Haven’t you been through enough?  Why do you feel, less deserving than others?

I say being adopted never bothered me, but deep down inside, it really messed me up psychologically.  I never wanted to admit it.  I had this complex that I wasn’t wanted.  I felt like a mistake.  My own mother didn’t want me.  That is why I ended up in adoption. She didn’t love me, I wasn’t good enough.  This thought process, stuck me with my entire life.  It never dawned on me that life, just happened.  I am sure she tried to be a good mother.  She meant well, but the situation was too much for her, so she did the best thing, she knew to do.

As an adult, I can appreciate that now but, I did not, growing up.  The story with biological father was, his parents didn’t approve, they were religious people.  They had big dreams for their son, and there is no way he fathered that child, type of thing.  The he goes into the military, marries and starts a family.  His wife does not know of me and he wanted to keep it that way.  He approved the adoption.  My biological mother was orphaned at the age of 5.  Her mother died of lung cancer and her father was an alcoholic, who lived in a halfway house.  She and I came from New York Foundling Hospital which was orginally and still was an orphanage.  There was an older sister and an autistic brother.  I wonder where and how they all are?  Well, may they all be blessed.  I send love & light if they remain living and may they rest in peace, if they have crossed over.  That is all I can say, about that.   I forgive the biological parents and I am ready to move on and continue to heal.

The entire pregnancy experience I had with my son, opened my heart.  I fell in love.  My son saved my life.  He came here to heal me.  I love him, unconditionally.  What a mother would sacarafice for her child.  When she heard I ended up with a family on Long Island, I am sure, she felt that they could provide me with a better life, than she could.  I lsee it differently now.  I am grateful for receiving this growth and healing.  I say to all the adopted kids in the world, you are loved and you are here for a purpose too.  I send love & light to all the adopted and foster children all around the globe.  There is reason why you are here.  You are not a mistake.  Find your purpose, walk your walk and speak your truth.  #kissitbetter

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